First Year of Marriage

Um, HELLO! 

I haven't written since July of last year, so writing seems foreign... Life has been crazy busy, but so good. God keeps showing Himself more and more through relationships, prayers, and everyday life. 

Michael and I's first anniversary is coming up on June 3rd! Wow! 

I was looking back on the first video of Michael and I: Brooke and Anna were recording it; it was when Michael and I were swing dancing...He hadn't told me he liked me yet, and it was such a crazy special time. You could see in his eyes he was enjoying the moment and had a "I got her," face and I was just in awe that somebody liked me that much---my heart was going to explode! 

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I wanted to write this post about Michael and I's first year of marriage, because I wanted to force myself to write and to also put some thoughts about the last year on "paper." I'm numbering these points, not because they have any rank value, but to just give a list of thoughts. Here we go!

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1. God is in every part of marriage. 

So what I'm figuring out, is that whether we realize it or not, every part of marriage has a purpose and is a gift from God. Every. Part. 

2. It is important to make home feel like a safe, welcoming place

Growing up, my mom made our home always feel like a warm, safe place for my sister and I, and especially for my dad when he would come home from work. She would do the laundry, make sure dinner was made (not all the time, but most of the time), and would keep the house clean.

There are so many feminist notions nowadays that say a woman doesn't have to do all of these things for her man, because he should just be able to do them himself. 

While that's a whole other topic and I won't go into that right now, and while I do agree with just how much women are capable of doing---Why is it so wrong if the wife WANTS/DESIRES to take care of her husband? It is taboo to think that a woman/wife would actually want to take care of/nurture her husband in this day in age/mainstream media. I realize there are always exceptions to the case.

Long story short, Michael has said before that he appreciates when our apartment is clean (even if just one part of it is; like the bedroom/kitchen/bathroom), and that he can relax and decompress when he comes home. This has now been imprinted in my brain of a type of love I can service to Michael-- is cleaning! It is important to me that Michael actually WANTS to come home!! Also--if anything else, I like it when the place is clean too!!

Another way to make the home feel warm and welcoming is by communicating what's going on and how we're feeling. I talk more about this in bullet-points 5 and 6. 

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I highly recommend Elisabeth Elliot's book, "Let Me Be a Woman." It's literally $6 on Amazon. It's 175 pages. Just read it. Men and women. Read it.

She wrote the book for her daughter, who was about to get married. She writes:

"'But for the man there was not found a helper fit for him,' God might have given Adam another man to be his friend, to walk and talk and argue with if that was his pleasure. But Adam needed more than the companionship of the animals or the friendship of man. He needed a helper, specially designed and prepared to fill that role. To me it is a wonderful thing to be a woman under God--to know, first of all, that we were made, and then that we were made for something ('the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.')"

"What sort of world might it have been if Eve had refused the Serpent's offer and had said to him instead, 'Let me not be like God. Let me be what I was made to be--let me be a woman.'?"

3. If I don't want to tell him something...I should probably tell him.

Pretty straight forward. If I feel my heart leaning towards something that I want to keep from Michael...Whether that be money related, internal battles, spiritual warfare, saying something mean and not apologizing, etc---That usually means that I should tell him what I'm thinking about or just suck up my pride and apologize. 

"So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." 

-James 4:17

4. Constant spiritual battle

It is increasingly frustrating to me how much I get thoughts in my head telling me to, "leave that for him,", or, "Michael can do that," or, "I'll do it later," but really the "later" is me hoping that Michael will do whatever I don't feel like doing at the time. 

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It's a constant act of serving, and a constant spiritual battle of saying YES TO SERVING (and NOT complaining to him about it). I kid you not, there have been so many times I will be washing dishes or folding clothes and will be thinking: "You could just stop now and leave the rest for Michael. Why are you doing this. You're just doing this to serve him? You aren't going to get any gain out of this." 

I realize all of these thoughts are apart of my innately sinful nature, but to resist these and to keep serving is something only the Holy Spirit can do through me. I have the desire to serve, only because of the Lord. 

"It is impossible for us to make major headway against self-centeredness and move into a stance of service without some kind of supernatural help. The deep happiness that marriage can bring, then, lies on the far side of sacrificial service in the power of the Spirit. That is, you only discover your own happiness after each of you has put the happiness of your spouse ahead of your own, in a sustained way, in response to what Jesus has done for you."

--Timothy Keller, "The Meaning of Marriage"

5. "Just Love Him"

My friend Samuel and I love talking about our "recent convictions," that the Lord is convicting us about, and I think this is the most recent one for me. 

Almost every time I am impatient, angry, frustrated, or really short with Michael (or about to say something passive aggressive, or say "poor me") God has been whispering in my ear, "Just love him."

 It happens in a second, I swear it's almost like God knows the dialogue in my brain! 

one specific time it happened when I had a hard day at work and Michael came home from work and just wanted to be held for a little bit. We were quiet, then he started telling me about how he had a hard day at work. He felt overwhelmed with school and work. I started scratching his head, and the whole time I was thinking, "yeah but I had a hard day at work..." 

Immediately, the words, "just love him." popped in my head! My whole attitude changed. Michael needed me to be present, and in this moment to show him the love he needed, and the Lord was reminding me of that. By loving Michael in ways that may have been difficult for me at the time, I am loving the Lord.

Timothy Keller is an incredible writer, and puts it so well in his book, "Meaning of Marriage," he says, "self-centeredness by its very character makes you blind to your own [response] while being hypersensitive, offended, and angered by that of others." 

I was offended, and blinded by my selfishness, because I wanted Michael to recognize how hard of a day I was having, without even affirming him of his feelings and what was going on in his head. 

One thing I have learned about the past year of marriage? HOW SELF CENTERED I AM! But God is giving me continual grace each day. The "just love him," saying is short, sweet, and to the point. And it pops in my head quick enough, before I can say something I'll regret. Thank you Jesus!

6. Intimacy is not always just sex

This may seem like a "duh" bullet point, but honestly some of the most intimate times I've had with Michael are when we are confessing our sins/doubts/worries/good times/bad times to each other. 

It's those times when I'm thinking of all the different outcomes that will happen when I confess/apologize about something to Michael. It's the forgiving when Michael hurts my feelings and doesn't mean to, or says something that was taken the wrong way. 

Intimacy is keeping those feelings of safety and trust between each other in harmony! 

7. Sex helps a lot of issues

Not going to go into this one very much, because the bullet-point says it all... However, I will say that  for Michael and I, sex does not FIX issues/arguments, but it does HELP A LOT! And it's just really fun. 😜 

#savewatershowertogether 

8. It is important to be away from one another

My favorite thing (not kidding) is literally: to come home after work, make some good food, Michael comes home, we eat, watch a show, and cuddle on the couch, I fall asleep, then we lazily go in bed and go to sleep together. That's it. I could do that for a full week. 

However, another thing I've learned with being married is that you have to make time with your married and single friends---together and apart. I love Michael to death, but no matter what, Michael will never be one of my girlfriends (PHEW!)!!!

 I like to get reactions out of people when I tell stories, and sometimes I'll say something that--to me-- is exciting, but when I tell Michael he's just like, "Thats cool babe!"

I'm just left speechless, because I'm like...UMM, I just told a GREAT story...

😮😧😨😭

I can't get upset with him about these things, that's just how he is. I married a man! And that's not supposed to be seen as a degrading comment, God just created men to communicate differently. I am thankful that he cuts my gossip off real quick, but sometimes, gossip aside, I just need the affirmation that I just told a super exciting and action packed story. 

Michael spending quality time with his buddies, and me spending quality time with the girls is SO important! A big thing I've learned over the past year is: sharing life with others is a huge part of why Jesus wants us to be in Church (whole other topic too). 

AKA...It's SUPER REWARDING!

I love hearing how Michael had a great time on a guys Red River Gorge trip, or guys burger night, or what ever it may be! It expands our minds to look outside of ourselves, and gives us opportunities to love, cherish, and spend quality time with others. We come together feeling rejuvenated, thought-provoked, and a little more thankful for each other's company!

9. Christ first

Going back to my first bullet-point, and really to the underlying message of all these bullet-points, is that if Jesus isn't in Michael and I's hearts separately, then He won't be in our lives together. 

The reason that I feel comfortable to open up about hard things to Michael is because the Spirit leads me to. My quiet time with God opens up hard topics, thoughts in my head that I pushed out or forgot about, and leads to great discussion and healing. 

The reason Michael can be patient with me when I get short or passive with him is because of the Spirit God puts in him.

The reason I don't get upset when I thought we were going to have a date night (didn't express this to him, because Michael can read my thoughts!), but Michael has a volleyball night, is because the Spirit puts God's patience in me. My patience is not enough. I need God's patience. (Miscommunication and self-centered expectations are not good!)

The reason I apologize to Michael after saying something hurtful to him is because the Lord desires peace and trust in our marriage, and He gives us His Spirit to be able to accomplish this. 

10. Marriage is hard 

I always heard married couples say how hard marriage is, and I realize it's different for every couple...but it is difficult!

BUT LET ME CLARIFY!!!

It's not the same type of difficult like the ACTs or a brutal Chemistry test. It's not the same level of difficulty like after a hard day at work, then you get stuck in traffic for an hour. 

You're living with a soul who loves you more than you can imagine, has the same dreams as you, wants to help navigate life with you, is your most devoted teammate, your hype man, your lover, the one that sees the darkest part of your brain and loves you through it. 

However, you're also living with a soul who is a sinner, has secrets, different viewpoints on life, and is selfish--just like you!

Marriage is hard in the way that you have to die to your selfishness daily in order that you may love them more than you did yesterday! 

It's the type of difficult you can't describe, because it's different every month, a new chapter every week with new challenges, but it's all about working through them as a team with the Spirit as your backpack travel guide. 

When God gives you the most compatible teammate you could ever do life with, the best thing is to be grateful, don't take anything for granted, and to just keep loving him!! Oh, and communicate, have fun, and LAUGH!

11. Joking is important

I was going to stop at 10, but I just thought of one more bullet-point that is pretty crucial in Michael and I's relationship:

LAUGHING!

Michael and I are very clear with each other to not make passive aggressive comments/jokes towards one another. We believe it's just not healthy, opens up negative doors, and is something we just don't want in our relationship. We are a team!

With that being said, we LOVE joking around about dumb stuff. And laughing things OFF! 

Saying: "ITS. OKAY!" 

Any time we are out is just a fun time to talk and laugh. It is important to us that, even when there is stress going on in our lives, we have to laugh and be funny with each other. Not hurtful. Also, how Michael jokes around with me is not how he jokes around with his buddies! Whole other topic! I'm getting sidetracked! Michael and I kind of have our own dumb language, but its funny to us! The end!  

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I think I went a thousand different places with this post. Hopefully it made sense! Thanks for reading. Maybe I'll write again this year...

-Courtney

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